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five things make a post

1. ETS says that my GRE scores are valid through 2017, but I'm a little anxious because most graduate programs say "from within the past five years," and I took the GRE in August 2011. So I'm not sure whether those schools will still consider them valid, or if I should take the GRE again. (And do worse, there's no way I'm going to do better because I haven't taken a standardized test since the last time I took the GRE.) Or if I should just contact each program individually to ask. Does anyone know?

2. My mother is still judging my spending choices hard -- well, half my spending choices, and half that I enjoy things that aren't Serious Business. It's making me paranoid, since every time I get something in the mail (which, honestly, is not that often) my mother makes comments about how I need to save my money and how I shouldn't spend money on my hobby. (Though on one occasion I was able to brandish the book I'd just gotten and go, "This is for my PhD applications! Not for fun!") But it's making me paranoid and unhappy and judged and I'm...pretty much all those things all the time anyway, so it's just heavily increasing all of those. (Like, I probably shouldn't buy things! On the other hand I did just not spend money on taking the GRE again. Unless I do have to take the GRE again. I don't know! Anyway, I'm a human disaster, but the paranoia is making me crazier than usual.)

3. I was hoping to avoid the paralyzing, nauseating dread I usually get before a new episode -- especially a season premiere -- due to the fact that I saw the Rebels season premiere at SWCE, but NOPE. I've never been able to feel anticipation or excitement, just dread. People get excited about things before they happen? Okay...that sounds fake but okay...

3a. Sometimes I really hate being in a live fandom; it's incredibly stressful for me as a fanfic writer. Especially because my fic still isn't done because, see above, human disaster.

3b. The benefit of having an Ahsoka ARC is that I can get my extreme stress about new material out of the way before it's actually released. Maybe. I don't know. If I ever read it, the thing I'm terrified of.

3c. I also can't bring myself to be excited for Rogue One because, well, it's really hard for me to be excited about anything. The fact that I'm not currently feeling complete dread about it is actually a plus, but let's wait until we get down to December to see if I have an emotion rather than "huh" about it.

4. I've pretty much hit election fatigue at this point -- I don't want to hear anything about it anymore. I'm a citizen, I'm registered to vote -- I actually sorted out my voting status before the primaries, something I haven't done in more than four years (yes, I'm the problem in this country, I know), I'm informed, there's nothing I can do until I get my ballot. I just...I wish there was a way to not see anything about it anymore. Like, sure, that's probably willful blindness, but it's not doing anything except stressing me out. And literally everything already stresses me out.

5. why am I such a human disaster, this makes number 5, right?

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five things make a post!

1. I'm currently doing a complete chronological rewatch/reread of all the Star Wars canon from TPM to Rogue One, to culminate with the Rebels S2 finale on December 15, which I started on September 1 and which has a schedule and a spreadsheet and which I've been making daily updates about on Tumblr, but haven't mentioned here. I'll finish TCW S1 today, and it's been an interesting experience -- less so now that I'm into something that I'm really, really familiar with than the first week (I'm not as familiar with the films as I am with the shows), but it's something I haven't done before. And seeing how the chronological order plays out when I usually skip around is illuminating in ways I didn't expect.

2. This whole week I have been so, so tired, and I don't know why -- if I'm getting sick, if I'm pre-menstrual, if it's stress because there has been a Thing, if it's because I went from being totally on my own and going for daily multi-mile walks to living with three other people (my cousin is here right now) and essentially never leaving the house except maybe to check the mail, if it's because I'm just putting off doing application stuff, I don't know. But I'm essentially just constantly exhausted, and occasionally it passes for a few minutes at a time -- there was about an hour today where I basically inhaled enough black tea to kill a small animal in the hopes of retaining the will to stay on my feet and awake in order to gt the pork tenderloin on, but as soon as that it was done it passed and I was back to being so, so tired. I don't know, maybe I'm just unwilling to deal with anything going on around me and I'm showing it by being exhausted all the time. Maybe it's because I moved home and stopped leaving the house. Or moving. Almost at all. Who knows.

2a. Given everything else in my life right now, I am also willing to admit that I'm pretty sure this is a textbook depression sign.

2b. About 95% of the time I feel like I've lost the ability to feel human emotions, or at least anything other than blinding rage, hatred, or existential sadness. The other 5% is fine, though.

3. I really want a fourth tattoo (did I ever say here that I got a third?), but that's not a possibility right now because my parents still don't know about the first three, as they've always been very outspoken about tattoos and I am terrified to find out how they'll react, so I just...haven't worn tanktops since I got home. (Two of mine are on my back, and the third one is high on my thigh, so I'm just really careful about not letting my shorts ride up. Well, back when it was still shorts weather, anyway.)

4. I hate not currently being in school. I bitch about school a lot, but for the past twenty years my entire life has been defined by being a student, and I hate not having that right now. I'm currently reading through the publications of some of the profs I'm looking at for grad school, and it's really, really soothing to read. (Which I guess is a good sign if I like her research, though it's sort of sideways to my own.) You'd think I'd be taking this as impetus to work harder (or...at all...) on my applications, but...no.

5. So there's a trilogy of books that I normally reread at the end of every term, or barring that at the end of every school year, which I've been doing for, oh, probably since 2006 now. Except for the last two years, where for whatever reason, I didn't do so even though I had them in New Orleans with me. I did try, but I just...couldn't. And I don't know how related it is, but those past two years I felt like I never really full turned "off," I guess, even during vacations. I'm rereading them now and it's such an enormous relief -- like reading them is telling myself gently that it's okay, I can relax now. (I can't, because see above re: applications and also the mess that my life is, but...actually being able to read them is a huge relief.)

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five things make a post!

1. I moved back to Washington at the end of July, which has been...uh, an Experience, because while I grew up here I also haven't been home since Thanksgiving 2014 (a disaster), and I'd gotten used to (a) living on my own, (b) living in a city, and (c) living in Louisiana. So being back with my parents in my small town is interesting, and I spent all of August and the past few weeks in September in a pretty terrible headspace, even by my standards. Mood swings, ineffable sadness, irrational anger, the works.

2. One of the things I did -- benefit of moving back to your childhood home right after clearing out your first apartment -- was do a hard purge of my room, because there is stuff here that's been here since we moved here in 1996. I sent so, so many bags of stuff either to Goodwill or the dump (well, they're piled up in one of the outbuildings until we can go to the dump), but I've managed to get my room more livable or at least updated to my current interests -- I'm putting up art for the first time...ever, since I own so much Star Wars art. I've got a lot of stuff on the walls but more stuff piled up waiting for frames or the perfect place to go.

2a. One of the things I have to go through is my yarn stash, since I had to stop knitting when I injured my wrists three years and I'm too scared to start again, and I've had a couple of people say they're interested in buying it, so I need to find out what I have and price it. The problem is that this is more emotional for me than anything else, and I can only take about five minutes of looking at it every few weeks, which is not really conducive to any of the above.

3. I got really into the Star Wars Card Trader app pretty much as soon as I got home, and it's infuriating and addicting and probably not particularly good for me because of how frustrated it makes me, but it's impossible to stop. Especially once I, you know, spent real money on the thing. (And then I end up shrieking at myself "They're pixels! You could have bought REAL TRADING CARDS with that money! Or prints! Or books!" Though I lack a collector's mentality, which is probably for the best given that I also have hoarding tendencies, see above, twenty years worth of STUFF.) I just want the pretty things I want and for people not to yell at me, which is actually surprisingly ahrd to accomplish.

4. I've been cooking a lot from Freddie Prinze Jr.'s cookbook Back to the Kitchen, which I initially picked up because he voices my favorite character on Star Wars Rebels, but, guys, this cookbook is solid. LOVE IT. I think I've cooked more from it than I have from any other cookbook I own -- which is a lot, I really like cookbooks, I just don't cook from them particularly often.

5. I got my degree! My diploma came in the mail last week and I got the confirmation that my thesis passed all the checks a few days ago, which you'd think they would have confirmed before they gave me the degree, but it passed and that's the important part. I'm now in the building myself up to apply to PhD programs stage, which is nerve-wracking because I need to e-mail the professors at some of the programs I'm interested in, but I hate sending e-mails more than almost anything. (And I'd prefer to just go back to Louisiana, rather than anywhere else, which does require me to bet heavily on LSU and Tulane (again, yes, I know. Different department.) I hate change and I love New Orleans.)

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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (233831 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 20/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano, The Inquisitor (Star Wars), The Seventh Sister, The Fifth Brother
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: HauntCollapse )

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Queen's Gambit: what happened next

It has been well over a year and I finally finished writing this.  I’m really sorry, guys, I have no idea why it took so long.  Here is how Dark Bishop and Knightfall, the second two books in the theoretical Gambitverse trilogy, would have gone.


Queen’s Gambit is structured somewhat oddly because it was written and plotted to fill two distinct and contradictory positions: the second book in one trilogy (the Ouroboros series) and the first book in another trilogy (the theoretical Gambitverse series).  The universe in the Gambitverse existed before the Wake characters arrived; it will continue to exist now that they’ve gone.  The story hasn’t concluded, and for that reason there are a number of plot threads that weren’t tied up or that were introduced near the end of Gambit, because they were intended to lead into the second and third books.

I promised that when Gambit had finished I would write up the events that I knew of in the second and third books -- Dark Bishop and Knightfall, respectively.  There’s a good chance that this says more about the way that I plot and write than it does about what was actually intended to occur in the remainder of the trilogy; I usually write to and around what I call “keystone scenes” -- flashes of visuals or, occasionally, dialogue that stand out for me.  They don’t always end up in the story in its final form, but using them is often what I’m structuring the plot around.  I didn’t do extensive plot work on Dark Bishop and Knightfall since I knew I wasn’t going to be writing either one, but I do know a handful of the keystone scenes and plot threads in each one.

Queen’s Gambit opens with Queen Amidala essentially occupying Count Dooku’s canonical position as head of the Confederacy; it ends with her in Leia’s position at the end of A New Hope: as a queen in exile (though still head of the Confederacy, at least in name).  In some ways Gambit was supposed to be kind of a fakeout; the basic set-up implies that it’s going to be a take-off of the PT/TCW, but the bait and switch at the end -- the introduction of Palpatine’s New Galactic Empire -- is to actually set it up as a mirror to the OT, a thread meant to be carried through the second and third books.  Exact parallel?  By no means.  But it was something I was thinking about.



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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (221577 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 19/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano, The Inquisitor (Star Wars), The Seventh Sister, The Fifth Brother
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: JediCollapse )

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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (208549 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 18/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano, The Inquisitor (Star Wars), The Seventh Sister, The Fifth Brother
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: GhostCollapse )

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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (187733 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 16/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: ShatterpointCollapse )

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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (164313 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 14/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: StrayCollapse )

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On the Edge of the Devil's Backbone (149980 words) by bedlamsbard
Chapters: 13/?
Fandom: Star Wars: Rebels, Star Wars - All Media Types
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Characters: Hera Syndulla, Kanan Jarrus, Sabine Wren, Garazeb "Zeb" Orrelios, C1-10P | Chopper, Ezra Bridger, Cham Syndulla, Barriss Offee, Kallus | ISB-021, Darth Vader, Ahsoka Tano
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Canon-Typical Violence
Summary:

Ten years after she vanished during an Imperial raid on a Twi'lek colony, Cham Syndulla sees his daughter Hera for the first time in a hologram -- now wearing the uniform of an Imperial agent and apparently working closely with a human Inquisitor. All Cham wants to do is to bring his long-missing child home to what remains of her family, but he soon finds that Hera Syndulla is only interested in two things: her duty to the Empire and her loyalty to her crew, a mismatched collection of outcasts brought together by Hera and her pet Inquisitor.

With Cham and the Rebel agent known as Fulcrum in pursuit, a new mission takes Hera and the crew of the Ghost to the planet Lothal, where a chance meeting with a Force-sensitive teenager awakens something long buried in the Inquisitor once known as Kanan Jarrus...and has dire consequences for Hera, their crew, the Empire, and the fledgling Rebel Alliance.


*

Preview: Flowers of RylothCollapse )

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first times (earth_mage)
bedlamsbard
she makes her own dystopia as she goes

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